


Je N'ai Jamais Peur (J'ai Toujours Peur)

by just_plain_fanfics



Series: Je N'ai Jamais Peur [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (i'm not autistic tho so if anything is wrong please let me know), Autistic Keith (Voltron), Gay Keith (Voltron), Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Keith (Voltron)-centric, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, Trans Keith (Voltron), suicidal implications, things like that, this is kinda a rant/self projection fic, written by a gay trans boy, wrote this for my therapist lmao, yeah it gets a bit heavy but its not actually part of the fic its just referenced
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 00:30:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12200361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_plain_fanfics/pseuds/just_plain_fanfics
Summary: A coming out fic about trans keith and his suppportive friends :)[klance is heavily hinted at but not actually touched on too much in this fic][the french is just for the title btw the fic is in english - the translation is "I'm never afraid (I'm always afraid)" - it's not froma song it's just a french line i really like :)]





	Je N'ai Jamais Peur (J'ai Toujours Peur)

**Author's Note:**

> k so this is mostly a vent/projection fic (that my therapist encouraged me to write) so it's not very klance-ish? it's pretty much centered around keith and they don't get together at the end (for now)
> 
> (i am a gay trans guy, but i am not autistic so if it isn't accurate please let me know and i'll fix it)

Respect your body. That's what the person on the other end of the line had told Keith. To him, it sounds like something Shiro would say, if Keith had ever been brave enough to talk to him about any of this. Respect your body. Does Keith have any respect for his body? It's not the body he wants, not the body he asked for; though it's not like he had a choice. Briefly Keith entertains the idea of talking to Shiro, but quickly dismisses it. He doesn't need to see the same pitying, disappointed face everyone makes. Shiro probably knows, to some extent, that Keith isn't completely okay. As an older brother figure Shiro somehow always notices these things, and while he's tried to talk to Keith before, Keith isn't one to open up very often. 

Keith sighs, his thoughts are all over the place. Should he call again? No, he needs to work this out himself. He can't depend on people this much. People. He tries to think of who he might be meaning, but he's not sure. Shiro? Maybe. There's someone else too, only adding to his misery. Not that it's their fault, Keith's doubts are to blame as always. 

He should call his aunt soon, he knows this, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to hear his deadname, doesn't want to be called gorgeous among the other triggering names she's sure to use. With a guilty feeling pooling in his gut, Keith decides not to call. It won't hurt his aunt to wait another week, will it? It's not like she cares that much anyways. 

 

Gay. Trans. That's what he is. Maybe? Probably? He thinks so? Keith wants to be sure, but is there any way to know for sure? He likes it when people use his name and pronouns, not the ones he discarded so long ago. But there's the thing with being a gay trans boy. Doubt. Is he really just a cis and straight girl? The thought sends a ripple of anger, sorrow, sadness through him, and he feels a cold sweat creep over his skin. Yeah, no. Not a girl. He's a boy. He likes boys. He wants to kiss boys. One boy in particular. Keith flushes, an image of Lance's face flashing though his mind. This complicates things. Rubbing his thumb against his fingers, he tries to focus on his breathing. 

There's another thing. Keith knows Lance likes boys, but would he ever like someone like Keith? An incomplete boy? Is that what he is? Ugly, messed up, scarred and wrecked. Keith grits his teeth, he didn't ask for any of this. He didn't ask for life to be this hard, this confusing. But it's not his choice is it? He never gets a choice. Now he's stuck with a likely unreciprocated crush on a boy who doesn't know one of the most defining things about him. Thinking back on it, the only person who really knows about Keith is Shiro, the one person who helped him the most with his transition. 

Keith thinks back to what else the person on the phone said, about how he's a real boy because he's a real person. He has feelings. He's gay, he likes poetry, he likes 'emo' music, he likes mechanics even if he doesn't know much about it, and he hates mushrooms. He likes both dogs and cats, and he's always wanted to have a garden. He's a person. He's real. He's a real boy. Living, breathing, and just hanging on. He smiles, maybe the first one in a while. He'll be okay, eventually. _Or will he_ , his doubts speak up. He'll get better. _Maybe._ He's stop hurting himself. _Will he?_ He'll come out to his friends. _He's said that for the past two years, so will he really?_

Keith wants to hit something. Ever single time he feels like he knows something, he finally figured something out, the doubts come creeping back in. Standing up from where he'd been sitting on his bed, Keith walks to the bathroom. He tries to avoid the mirror, he really does, but in the end he ends up staring into his dead eyes in the smooth glass, the same as always. Slight narcissism? He doesn't think so, but then again, what does he know? He's got bags under his eyes, dark circles that only stand out more in the slightly yellow-orange lighting. His hair is long, something Lance had teased him about in a friendly way. It wasn't rude, and oddly enough it didn't make Keith feel any worse about his slightly different features. 

Keith glances about the room looking for a clock- what time is it anyways? He'd been so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn't even thought to check the time. A brief look back into his bedroom at the clock on his dresser tells him it's 10pm, probably time to get in bed and waste time on his phone until it dies. Taking one last look in the bathroom mirror, Keith makes a promise to himself. He'll tell the others tomorrow. They're going to meet up anyways, right? He might as well take the opportunity to tell them. 

He changes quickly, ignoring the weight of his chest when he takes off his binder, ignoring the feeling of something missing further down. He changes into loose clothes, dark pajama bottoms and a oversize red t-shirt, slipping under the covers of his bed. Keith lets his breath go, just now realizing that he'd been holding it. He's okay. _Is he?_ He'll be okay. _Maybe someday he will, but this problem won't be solved just by coming out. It's oh so much more than just his gender, that plays with his mind._

 

The next morning, Keith wakes up to his obnoxious alarm, something that he wants to change but won't in the fear of it being too quiet for him to hear. He spares a glance at the clock, and sighs, he really needs to take a shower. No matter how much he hates it, he needs to look a bit more fresh before brunch. He tries to be quick, repeating the steps over and over in his head. Shampoo. Rinse. Conditioner. Rinse. Shower gel. Lather, then rinse. Stand and contemplate if leaving the house is really worth the effort. Feel guilty about not speaking to friends. Get out of the shower and get dressed as fast as possible. Towel dry your hair and hope it's good enough. Keith does just that, quickly touching up a few last things before stepping out of his apartment and out into the real world. 

The train ride is relatively easy, only filled with mild doubts about what the other passengers think of him. Do they see him as a boy? A girl? Sometimes Keith wishes he could read minds. It would make a lot of things easier, he thinks. Stepping up the walk to the cafe, Keith chews his lip nervously. He said he'd do it today, right? There's no backing out. He'll do it. He'll do it, if only to prove his doubts wrong. He can do this. He fiddles with the string in his hands, looping it around his fingers, pulling it tight before unwinding it quickly and repeating the motions. Keith counts the stops. There are seven before he reaches the street he'll need to get off at. 

 

Twenty minutes into their brunch date, and Keith is rethinking things. Hunk is talking about something, probably a funny story, but Keith can't bring himself to even fake a laugh. Allura is listening intently, Keith can see her and Pidge out of the corner of his eye. Shiro is there too, giving him a strange look. Keith ignores him, obviously. Coran might be looking at him strangely too, but he can't tell for sure, the older man is still a bit of a mystery. Then there's Lance. Lance is sitting next to him, listening to Hunk but at the same time glancing at Keith every few moments. Keith knows this, but only because he's been glancing at Lance. 

Eventually, whatever Lance was worried about is voiced and Keith wants to shrivel up and disappear. The string in his hands is damp with sweat. He cringes, glad he has his gloves to prevent the worst of the feeling, and stuffs it back into his pocket. Pulling out a bracelet, Keith starts to work it around in his hands, still not looking back up at Lance. 

"Keith, are you okay? You've been spacing out, man." Lance brings his hand to rest on Keith's shoulder, he's just that sort of person. He's touchy, but Keith can't find it in him to tell him to stop, he honestly doesn't mind it as much as he should. He snaps back to reality quickly, stuttering. 

"Uh, well." Shit. Shit, shit, shit. He didn't think this through. What was he going to say?! He presses forward nonetheless, taking a shaky breath. "I, uh, have something to tell you guys."

"Yeah? You can tell us anything, Keith." Lance's honest voice brings a small smile to Keith's lips, barely big enough to tell it's even there. He swallows, his throat dry and palms sweating more than they do when he works out. 

"I, I'm trans." Keith doesn't look, can't make himself look up at their faces. "I transitioned about five years ago and I've been on T for about three years."

No one says anything at first, which scare Keith. Of course, Shiro already knows, so he takes the initiative and speaks first. His voice is soft, caring like the one Keith has always known. He's the best friend Keith could ever ask for. An amazing brother figure in his life. 

"Thank you for telling us, Keith." Shiro smiles at him, and Keith barely smiles back. It's hesitant, and Keith meets Shiro's eyes before dropping his gaze to the floor again. 

A pair of arms are wrapped around his shoulders suddenly, warm and comforting. It's surprising, yes, and Keith lets out a strangled sound before slowly hugging back. It's Lance, of course it is. He's glad for him, really, just as he's glad for the hug. 

"Wow, I had no idea! I'm glad you were able to tell us, too." Hunk reaches over the table to give Keith a pat on the shoulder. He has a firm grip, but not uncomfortably so. "If I weren't across the table from you, I'd give you a hug as well." 

Pidge nods in agreement from where they sit net to Keith, wrapping one of their tiny arms around his back and giving it a light squeeze. It's rare for them to show affection, and while the exchange is nice, there's an awkward air about it too. The others chime in with their agreement, and Keith feels a rush of relief overtake him. He slumps in his seat, letting out a rush of air. He's fine, he really is. 

"This doesn't change anything about you, you know? We still love you for your brooding, emo self." Lance, who hadn't said anything yet, finally says these few words, though they're slightly muffled by Keith's jacket. Keith smiles, tears welling up in his eyes. He tries to stop them, he really didn't want to cry, but there's no such luck. They fall over his cheeks, warm on his skin. 

He promised himself he wouldn't cry. 

Crying is seen as weak, something men shouldn't do. Keith hates it, always crying when he doesn't want to and unable to cry when he finally lets himself. And now he's crying in front of his friends, the ones he just came out to. He tries to push himself out of Lance's grip, but the boy has too strong of a hold on Keith. 

"It's okay to cry, Keith. I'm, we're here." Lance squeezes tighter, and Keith nods into his shoulder. He lets a sob rip from his throat, a strangled sound enunciated by the shake of his shoulders. 

He lets himself cry. Keith isn't entirely sure why, maybe it was Lance's soothing voice, the calming way he rubbed circles on Keith's back, maybe he was just tired of holding it in for so long. He needs this. Keith smiles, the tears already drying on his cheeks. He suddenly remembers just who's arms he's in, and struggles to pull away. 

"Sorry." He stares at his hands, bending his fingers each individually before clenching them into a fist. He got carried away again. He's about to say something else, apologize again maybe, when Lance shushes him. 

"Don't apologize, idiot. It doesn't suit you." A small smile lifts Keith's lips, and he looks back at Lance shyly. His eyes flick around to the other members of the group, and he's surprised to see not one pitying glance. 

"Hey, if you ever need a binder or any other supplies I've got a ton of resources on hand." Pidge elbows him in the side, and Keith elbows them right back, careful to avoid their chest and ribs. 

"Thanks Pidge, I might just take you up on that sometime." Keith sends a small smile their way, and they return it with a grin of their own. Keith feels something stir in his chest, knowing that all his friends are still standing by him. It wasn't always like that, so he's happy he's finally found friends that are willing to learn and try their best to help. 

The conversation starts up again slowly, moving on to other subjects. Keith sits back for most of it, he never was much of a talker, and watches the others as they laugh at bad jokes. He still finds himself being sucked along into the laughter, giggling so hard at something someone said that his cheeks hurt and he's clutching at his stomach. With an aching smile, Keith realizes just how much these friends mean to him. He notices it too, when it's time to go and he finds himself thinking it's way too soon, that he wishes he could stay for longer. 

 

Back home, he falls into his apartment and then directly into bed, barely managing to unclasp and slip out of his binder before curling up in the sheets and drifting off. The day really drained him, coming out to that many people at once and then spending the day out and about. So now, he sleeps peacefully, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips and his fingers tangled in the sheets. 

Yeah, he's glad he has his friends.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope y'all enjoyed this!! if you did, let me know if i should write a follow up series/chapter where lance and keith do get together, bc i think i'd enjoy writing that as well :)


End file.
